Conversations

A Conversation at the Gym 

Clearly this man does not plan on breaking into a sweat

Clearly this man does not plan on breaking into a sweat

On the cardio deck at the gym the other day, I noticed a man in his sixties STANDING AND READING THE NEWSPAPER on a treadmill. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: I hear you actually have to walk on the treadmill to get any benefit.

Him: (smiling) Well, I DID get five sections of the paper read.

Me: And you can honestly tell people you were at the gym AND you were on the treadmill.

Him: In addition, I burned extra calories by fluttering my eyelids.

Me: Well, even better, I’ve read that you burn more calories while at rest and sleeping at night than you do in one hour at the gym. This proves that rest is better than exercise.

Him:  And that is why I’m gathering up my papers and stepping down from here. I need to sit down and rest.

LATER

Him: I was standing back there and I noticed that those treadmills ACTUALLY MOVE!!

Me: (while dripping over the elliptical) Amazing. I’ll have to try it some day.

 

 A Conversation Over DinnerConversations

Dave and I brainstormed these opening lines for a novel:

“My goal,” said Hans, “is to convince a young British lassie to go to Canterbury with me.”

Lauren had slept her entire married life with her husband’s feet in her face.

Charles used his fingerprint ID to enter the anthrax lab.

Eddie owned parking lots in Shanghai.

At all costs, Nick kept up his public image.

As a teen, Stephanie knew the woman in the jewelry store was “the other woman.” She just didn’t know she was her father’s “other woman.”

The good news: Marilyn found Jesus.  The bad news: Marilyn found Jesus.

When Amanda put a tennis ball in her PJ bottoms to stop her snoring, she had dreams about turds.

Jackie was so frugal she darned her socks and patched her underwear.

Others get a red convertible or maybe a red head at mid life. Ben got to become a Buddhist monk.

Louie was trying to find a way to build his house in the woods with books.

“Your brother’s probably a commie,” said Herb.

Susan had two adoring  and strangely weird grand aunts.

This was the seventh cell phone Alex had lost.

The local newspaper featured a picture of Ken perched in a tree with a chain saw.

Vickie was locked out of her house. Inside were seven newborn puppies.

While in the hospital, Ronnie asked everyone to bring him a 38 and he didn’t mean a blonde.

It was going to be a long day for John. The power was out, the building was empty, he had no cell phone, and he was trapped in the freight elevator.

Marcia discovered acupuncture had strange side effects.

It was years before anyone realized that Lilith had Alzheimers.

Cheryl didn’t try anything new unless her son endorsed it first.

The days when Andy pinched a woman’s butt were long over. Some people missed that old Andy.