Putting the Sex Back in Sexagenarians

We watch the morning news at breakfast and the nightly news at dinner. It is clear that viewers of my age dominate the evening shows. Look at the ads.

Start with the ads about preventing your next stroke with the vivid animations of little white platelettes piling up in arteries or the ad where a hospital gurney is following a woman around on the golf course ready to swoop her up as she is awaiting impending death.

There are the ads for “painful hemorrhoids” showing someone wincing in his seat at the football game. And, of course, the woman who can’t pass a restroom or she’ll wet her panties. And how about the ads that strike fear in all of us: bad breath caused by dentures! Now you can soak your dentures, which are full of cracks to let in bacteria, in a solution that will fix it all. No more old lady stinkiness.

I also observe the “wealth management” ads where you follow a green line to a magical place of security and unbelievable creature comforts. In some you see yourself sitting in your second home in St. Croix with the estate curtains whisping over your head while overlooking the Caribbean. Don’t you love that we will all retire with yachts, a villa in Tuscany, or donating three million to the poorly educated kids in Detroit?

But the one that is my “tickle me Karen” favorite at the moment is the drug that is made to help men “get it up.” They used to market this drug with two people sitting in separate bathtubs looking out over the ocean. They were holding hands. I never got what bathtubs had to do with erectile dysfunction. I mean if the drug was actually working, wouldn’t the couple be in the same tub with one partner on top, looking at the camera intense with pleasure on his/her face?

Now this drug is working on “You never know when a normal moment will turn into something more” ad campaign. They show a couple in a kitchen drying dishes or in the supermarket picking out eggplants. Their fingers touch, they gaze into each other’s eyes and, right away, with arms entangled, they amble off screen apparently in a rush to tear off clothes, knock over lamps, crush the cat on the sofa, and go at it.

Zap! It's a normal moment!

These are two rather “maturish” people with hints of gray hair. I notice they don’t show eighty year olds with age spots and arthritic fingers. Even for me the thought of that picture is a little spooky.

Now, reader, I ask you. If you’ve been married 30, 40, 50 years (or less), when was the last time you touched your partner’s FINGER (no other body part can be substituted here) and decided to strip right there at 1pm in the middle of the rec room? (OK, I think I’m hearing a distant answer from a friend south of here about “yesterday.” Knock if off you-know-who-you-are. I’m trying to make a point here.)

If they really want us to try this drug, they should market it to the women. And they should make the drug so it guarantees a four-hour erection. Women could put the drug in a big steak or a large draft. This would give her the chance to plan the “right” time when she doesn’t have bridge club, book discussion, or yoga class. Enough of this “any moment” stuff.

With a leisurely four hours, a woman could plan the evening with romantic music selected, long lasting candles, plenty of creams, feathers, and toys to entertain. The evening would be a time to revisit the days when the couple was in college and had to use the back seat of a Volkswagen to find privacy. Back when their knees and feet used to bend.

The next day Superman would be feeling like a colt again. Well, a colt that might be satisfyingly sore and need some time to recover. Well. maybe a colt who wonders why he thought a four hour erection was a good idea. But think of the bragging rights!

And then too, it might be a long time before he offers to dry dishes and pick out eggplants.


Comments

4 responses to “Putting the Sex Back in Sexagenarians”

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  1. Julie says:

    No comment. Every time we try to watch anything from sports to Discovery/History/Travel Channel with the kids, these ads are on every 20 seconds. Really! Kids are now too aware to just leave the ads on. We change the channel for just a moment. Except when my dad and his wife are visitng and they don’t seem to notice that their favortie shows have ads that inspire lots of thoughtful questions from their grandsons. Wait, I guess I did comment. Oh well.

  2. Carolyn says:

    READY TO GO FOR FOUR HOURS? Heaven Help US!

  3. Vicky says:

    Very funny post!

    Yep, that “normal moment that could become something special” ad campaign is even more absurd than the side-by-side bathtub campaign. I mean, I was in my 20s in the 70s — ’nuff said — and don’t recollect any link between a sink full of dirty dishes and an erotic adventure. And I looked a damn sight better in the natural sunlight coming through the kitchen window back then than I do now!